Final Frontiers

I've been reading lots of posts about feminism and kink and such over at Trinity's Blog and elsewhere. She links to a blog of a writer who has recently written vehemently against BDSM for various (some good, some I disagree with) reasons. The posts and comments are pretty intense and have raised arguments all over the kink and radfem and kinkfem and probably femmefem blogosphere.

I first want to say that I am not a political blogger, nor academic. I also want to say that as a woman of a certain age and also as a woman raised by a feminist, I don't much like the patriarchy. I don't much like industrialized chicken murder, I don't much like corporate cubes, I don't like suits and Hummers and I surely don't much like homophobia or sexism or misogyny.

I do like sex, though. And I like BDSM and I like thinking about things and I like keeping this blog less "political" and more "personal" and yes I know they are each their own and they belong to each other and we are all, in our way, as we blog and stand up for the things we believe, political. I'm not posting on this topic to get flame wars going, but because I think it is truly worth examining.

There are a fair number of comments on Nine Deuce's blog that I find myself nodding my head to. I think there are things wrong with how men and women are raised to think about sex. I can even get to the point where I agree that to a certain extent women are the "sex" class. Our bodies don't always belong to us. Look at abortion rights, rape laws, how sex workers are treated. And that is just this country and this culture. Things are radically bad in other places in the world. I do think that if Patriarchy is the water we swim in, it can be very hard to figure out when we are acting with our own agency or when we are just following the party line that we don't even recognize that we are in.

I get that kink quite often straddles some odd lines. I've done shit tons of self examining. I only play the way that feels most ethical (and god knows Gander does as well). I avoid situations that feel wrong. I argue with people who get into strict "one true way" discussions about gender roles, or how a "true sub" should be. I don't play with people that play "mean" (not good wicked mean, but really emotionally mean), I dislike forced feminization and I think, for me personally, the outcome of a good scene involves a lot of happy laughter and smart deconstruction of why what worked and how intimacy plays into all of it. That big ass caveat aside....

Can we all just get the fuck along? (I know, probably not). One of the things or trends of comment themes that I've seen on lots of anti-kink blogs is that everyone who likes to give or receive extreme sensation (or pain) is fucked up. That we like those things for reasons that are not healthy in some way. Perhaps a childhood trauma or perhaps an internalized guilt at feeling sexual. Or that we are misogynists or abusive. That we have not spent hours and hours of time thinking about the WHY of what we do or what we want.

And maybe some people do these things for unhealthy reasons (like they might overspend, gamble, smoke up, not exercise or get passive aggressive with their friends for unhealthy reasons). And maybe some of them never think about a damn reason why they do what they do (like drink too much, or do yoga or anything else they like).

But maybe not. I think frankly some people are just set "high", like they crave spicy food or they like rock climbing or bungee jumping too. And here is where I will just go ahead and say it....Some people are just Klingons.

Yes I went there, people.

I wish we were just able (so long as age and consent are as visible as can humanly possible given the fact that we are in a sea of patriarchy) to like what we like as much as we like it and not get so het up (no pun intended) about UR DOIN IT RONG or how if I like to be flogged I'm setting the women's movement back by decades.

I wish it were more like Star Trek. (Star Trek has its flaws. and I don't want to get into any kind of flame war about how it was a either benevolent militaristic, fascist view of western hegemony gone too far or a socialist hippie utopia. Or both.) I'm just talking about being able to sort of see differing (as consensual as possible) sex lives as acceptable.

Take for example how the Betazoids could Feel. All. The. Emotions of the their lovers. Or how the Vulcans have to mate every, what seven years, or they go all Pon Farr and freak the fuck out, but otherwise they are completely asexual. Or how Klingons like to beat the crap out of each other and draw blood to have good sex. Or how the Trill change external bodies and so have a wide combination of marital possibilities.

I even kind of like those ethical, polyswingeriffic fluffy headed toga'd sluts on Risa. Point is, Star Trek was one of those learning tools that helped me recognize that people will all do things differently and that its ok to be pretty tolerant.

I realize of course that there were some sticky ethical wickets posited for good measure in many episodes. Riker, in The Outcast, had do deal with his deep anxiety over his androgynous friend trying to un-andro, only to be brought back to the sexless fold by zir people. And Picard wanted terribly to bond with the Metamorph Kamala, in "the Perfect Mate" only to lose her to a real douchebag as a pawn in a deal sealing multi-planet negotiations. And it was clear that when Crusher was dating the Trill Odan and he wound up in not one, but two different bodies and sexes, she couldn't handle it. Though honestly folks, she balked at dating a hot ladybody Trill and not at dating the Trill in a RIKERbody. Ew.

I'm not saying Star Trek is perfect folks (cause the Cardassians sure were assholes weren't they?). Nor am I in denial that sex in America, in the world has a lot of work to do before it is fair, egalitarian and always consentual. But I do think some of us just plain like Klingon Sex. And some of us have Blood Fever it every few months. And some of us want orgies on a Pleasure Planet. And we all need to examine who it helps and who it hurts and how it affects greater systems we are in. And I think the more we can get ok with that diversity and that searching, the better.

But I still am gonna want someone to play hard with me while we reach that final frontier.