Fly High And Proud

Five years ago I was in some ways a very different person than I am today. That is one of those really damn ridiculous statements, like...duh of course I was. But I was, given that I had two very small little ones, was frustrated with my work, my sex life, my looks, my role as a 35 year old "mother of two" etc. Both of us were really, different then. And yet there were seeds inside of us in a way, seeds of who we would discover soon enough.

I'd not been entirely honest about my frustrations with work and life and especially my sexual desires due surrounding kink, to my own misapprehensions about how to change things. Also because I was terrified of admitting I was interested in kink and how to even begin to do it. I had such fears about motherhood and aging, and I'd been scared for a long time to talk about all of it. Gander and I had been together a good stretch by that point and while our marriage was solid and loving and fun, it certainly wasn't as sensually vital or as honest or as intimate and trusting as it is now.

I thought and thought during that time. I felt scared that I'd never have the creative life or the spicy weird sex life I wanted (and that I think perhaps Gander also wanted). I was confused about being a parent, felt that perhaps all the "fun" (selfish though it may be) was gone. I was going to wind up one of those sort of sad looking ladies with ugly shoes and bad hair covered in kids and dirty smudges and wrinkled clothes at the grocery store who scared the hell out of me when I was 24. Of course, actually sometimes I am that self-same lady at the store, and god knows I scare young girls into popping their birth control pills. but point is I was symbolizing myself to death and I was afraid.

I suspected Gander was afraid as well, afraid his wife had maybe sort of ...gone to some horrible depresseive land of becoming that nonsexual "mom". He was staring down fatherhood and adulthood too, and seeing me be all down in the dumps wasn't helping much. Having kids and/or growing older and/or dealing with Important Adult Responsibilities is taxing on the old sex life. Marriages (especially with kids or other such things), by their very nature can start to erode away at erotics in favor of comfort if the couple isn't careful.

Three things happened between early 2004 and the start of the blog.

One-That spring I wound up watching the movie Laurel Canyon about a million times. I was terrified of the relationship that Kate Beckinsale and Christian Bale had especially at the beginning of the film. I was moved, watching both their struggles towards honesty, the fight between chaos and order, the intense struggle it took his mother to stay true to her creative life, even though she disappointed her son, the fallout of all of them trying to figure it out with no safety net. As if playing with fire can ever be done safely. I did not want us to be them, having sex with our t-shirts on (at least not as the standard).

Two-That summer I took a huge risk and changed my work to something I used to do back when we lived in Seattle (much more creative work and supportive people) and this reinvigorated me....made me feel much more like my pre-kid self and that woke up some strong feelings inside me that I couldn't stop. I felt strong again, sexy again, smart again.

Three-Late Fall I found Matisse's column and blog and that started a 6 month period of the tiniest of baby steps during which Gander and I started opening up more and more to Gander about sex and creativity and identity and desire. He reciprocated joyfully, fully, lovingly and I was so, so glad. A few months after that, in summer of 2005, our blog was born.

Because of those three things, I (and I think Gander too, obviously) became dedicated to the idea that we could find a balance between erotics and comfort, between norepinephrine and endorphins. That we didn't have to choose between a rockin sex life and paying bills, that we could have both kink and kindness, that we could enjoy sexuality at any age.

For any of you who have been long time readers, you know what happened next. It is well documented for the most part, our meeting other bloggers, our trips to Seattle to play, our introduction to Hannah, to Kurt and Rebecca to R and C, our forays into poly proper, the growth of the circle of friends that has become so dear to us and we to them.

I became less and less afraid, not just of being who I'd always wanted to be relationally and sexually, but also in my day to day life. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn't have found this part of myself earlier, but really it doesn't matter. Both of us went hand in hand down a hard road, and come out the other side braver, more creative, more ethical and more emotionally well muscled than I could ever have imagined. I think both of us are thankful that we met each other in the middle and just went for it, even with the bumps.

We've documented some things in our kink and poly life, less and less. It becomes difficult to write the hard times, especially when all our relationships have become so intermingled. It becomes less about eager childlike discovery just between Gander and I, and more about moving into the adulthood of our kink, so to speak, about us as community members, lovers, friends, family.

And there have been hard times. Really hard times actually. Times that were not all fun and games, times that were full of horrid jealous feelings or tears or worry. Times full of tedious process conversations. Times involving really shitty "real life" family issues. Sleepless nights, worried looks. I know we've had ours at least and I'm sure that the other members of our crew all have had theirs. We've all earned some stripes, but ultimately we all know that we are solid, loving, trusting and trustworthy. Kind. I love my friends and am fiercely protective of all of them. Too much like a mother bear I suppose.

Gander even more than I is not comfortable in sharing the particulars of our bumps and things with the world and I agree with his reasons. You may have noticed he's ceased writing here as much. That is due to not to desire, but to increased responsibilities in other arenas. I do miss his voice here, but also sense that the time of blogging as least in the way we started, is coming to a close.

I'm not sure if this blog is purposeful anymore, in the sense that we don't do much documenting other than "we went to this party and that happened", and I'm not sure we can. I'm actually not sure we need to. Maybe we've learned the things, shared the things, that we've needed to learn and share.

Maybe there is more. Maybe there is a way for me, at least, to write about the struggles and the searching. The politics and the fight for equality. It might be here again at some time in the future or it might be at my other blog, which has lots of possibilities and I surely can't stop writing all together after all this time. Or maybe we'll just create a new nest together, one day. We'll let you know if we do!

But for now, five years later since all of this started, what I want to say mostly is Thank You All. All of you that I've read and followed, all of you I've met, who've shared their skills with us, fun comments, great ideas, brave inspiration. thanks for traveling along with us. For now, we'll say ciao, until we meet again.

Edge Play

We have several times reached a place where I have as a member of our tribe, our group, our somewhat differentiated yet more and more connected crew have faced questions. It is a question that has come up at least two or three times by me, by Gander and occasionally by others in various circumstances. Are we only kinksters? Are we also swingers? Is this all poly? What is the difference?

Sometimes I've not worried much about the definitions but I do tend to be feeling protective of the group especially as more and more poly tendrils seemed to have been snaking their way in. So many of us are dating others and any play party can get rather tricky in terms of who is with who.

Except not all of us are poly. But all of us are playful. Can get confusing.

I don't think we are swingers, but then I've not met many active swingers. I've never once been to a swing club. I've never been at what I would consider a swing party (and by this I mean a party where in everyone and anyone was sort of able to get naked, get down even to the point of full on "penis in vagina" ak-shon, even if maybe they didn't know each other well). I have however, found the lines between kink and sexual behavior getting blurry on and off during the years.

Is it kink if I am slapping at someone's genitals? Or is it an act of sex. Can one tell? Is it different for both parties? What would an outside observer say? If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck is it a swing party? I don't know.

I think that we are intentionally building a loving close community. I think also that we are all very trusting of each other and that those two facts mean that it is easy for things to go down a more and more physical/sexual road. Is that smart? I don't know. Sometimes it is very fun to do, sometimes I wake up with serous wobbles. I wonder are we accidentally building some kind of poly whale pod community? Is everyone in agreement? Is anyone actually talking about it openly?

Groups need time and attention. They take tending, like a garden. I would insert a lot of gardening metaphors but they would bore you to tears. And frankly I kill plants. But I don't kill groups. I'm usually really good with groups. That's not the point.

Point is, I want to be intentional about my actions with the people I love. And I want to be clear that I do see a delineation between tribe love and romantic partnership love. I savor the various kinds of loves-romantic, erotic, fraternal, friendship, familial. And I want to make sure that my partners are on the same page wtih me and that everyone gets a chance to be open about what they want.

It is all too precious, this special community to not ask the questions. I'm fine with walking along that edge, but I want to make sure everyone else is too.

You Guys, You Crazy Fucking Guys

My tribemates completely surprised me last night with a special present of one beautiful Hannah. Yes, freshly flown in from the Northwest, she was hidden in a room with a bow around her neck. Yes. I cried like a baby when I saw her.

And a deep, deep thanks and appreciation to Nibbles. Thank you.

I'll tell the story later, but for now know that I am overwhelmed with the love and generosity of Gander, Electra, Cherry, Fleetfoot, Kurt, Rebecca, R and C, Chloe, Liz, Dsan and of course the brilliant mastermind behind it all, my beautiful, brave and bold Maracuya.

I love you all very much.

Best Surprise Ever.

In Praise Of

In a very short time I will be one year older. One year older, no big deal right? But this one is a Very Big Birthday (so much so that the parties are starting on Friday and will continue into April!).

I've gone through the usual vain and sappy, existential angst about getting older and I think I've come through the other side feeling relatively confident. In fact what is so odd about being me, now, is that in many ways I feel more sexual and sensual and "with it" (and am being responded to as such than I ever did when I was in my 20's or early 30's). I find it odd. I'm not going to complain, but I find it odd.

So today I decided to make a short list of some of my favorite famous women who are in or near my age range. I am sure you will agree that they are talented and beautiful, funny and athletic.

Tori Amos
Dana Torres
Maria Bello
Salma Hayek
Mary Louise Parker
Angela Bassett
Jennifer Beals
Lucy Liu
Julianne Moore
Jackie Warner
Diane Lane
Kathy Griffin
Tilda Swinton
Frances McDormand
Michelle Obama (UM YEAH!)

And of course the Grand Dame....Helen Mirren, and no I'm no where near her age, but I hope I look that good when I am. Vain. Yes. Vain.

It was quite easy for me, actually, to find a list of "hot" women over 40. There were links upon links taking me to this or that Hollywood Gossip site, though most of the women on my list were already in my mind, being as I am more entertainment focused (rather than literary or tech).

But I found it funny that I couldn't find easy links to "hot" women authors or poets or painters or even athletes using the search phrase "female blanks over 40". Maybe it is because beauty is so sought after OR perhaps it is that it is considered rare or a surprise that women "last" over a certain expiration date (whereas their minds and talents are expected to increase with age). That made me a bit sad, since I know there are lots of influential women in their early 40's blogging, running, writing, producing, managing, designing, and generally kicking ass as they move through life.

So what I'd like my dear readers, for my birthday present over the coming days, should you feel so inclined are the names of women writers, artists, business leaders, politicians, tech innovators etc that have inspired you. I suppose having them over 40 would be great, but don't let that stop you.

Each decade has gotten increasingly interesting for me. Here's to the next.

Edited to add: Shawn Colvin, Toni Morrison....

Lest You Think

All is always the last days of disco round here I thought I'd give you some boring old updates about the general domestic life so that you can yawn and get some good fodder for naps!

Gander has been traveling far out of town for work. This has been an increasing trend and we've managed reasonably well but it certainly has meant a lot of planning ahead.

Planning ahead works, unless the house has been plague ridden as it has these past few months, and at any point at lease one (if not all) of the members of our flock has either been snotting and coughing like a character from The Stand or hurling violently ala Exorcist. Then the planning doesn't work. The planning gets replanned or back burnered and I'm actually amazed we've all fit in the play-time we have this year. We are nothing if not dedicated!

I've been increasingly busy with my life as well, managing a few extra projects in my creative world and trying to deal (badly) with some end of life issues for a parent of mine.

The really awesome part about all of this is though, that we have some seriously supportive friends. Perhaps they are seriously supportive because they have seen us naked, or maybe its just that well? They are all honest and ethical and caring people.

I really don't doubt their intentions. That's the part I really cherish. People who love you when your clothes are on. That's success in my book.

No One Can Tell Us We're Wrong

I am in a bit of an exciting time right now. As you all know I spent the summer dating around, meeting various men for coffee, lunches and drinks. Few of whom impressed me much (or in several cases, me them). This is how it goes.

I kept thinking, what's going on here? Surely I could find a fellow who would would live up the expectations that have been set for me by Gander and also by so many of the fine men in our circle. And there are some. I know this. Timing has not been right for that, is all.

Now I find myself dating a fantastic woman, who takes up a huge amount of my thought and emotions. So many things I want to write about that I can barely write any of them. In my examining of all of this I've been looking over my past affections towards women.

There was Jane, the young boi (perhaps) that I met when I was in middle school. She was portraying James in a show and did an excellent job of drag kinging it right the hell out. So much so that I recall pining in my bed at night wishing she was really a he.

There was Kat in high school who was a punk rock dyke if there ever was one, who gave me my first shot of vodka and stared deeply into my 17 year old eyes right before I ran out of the room.

There was Allison, in college who was a dancer, who asked me on several occasions to go to her home for dinner. I was too afraid, cause I knew what she meant. She later went on to date one of the best actresses in our school.

There was Melinda. We shared a very deep affection and bantered a lot during college classes about how if only we were lesbians we'd never be without each other. Her boyfriend wanted us to try it out. I was game. She balked. I felt a fool.

After college, there weren't as many but I do recal meeting a friend of a friend of a friend in Seattle. Just one time and I know Gander knows who I'm talking about. She was fierce and looked like...I have no idea what she looked like. Long wavy dark hair, slightly stocky body, in fine shape. Yeah. I thought about her a lot.

I worked with lots of women who were queer identified. They were a glorious mystery to me. Many of them earth mothers, many of them bull dykes. All of them seemed shrouded in some secret fog into which little old straight girls could not go.

Then. Hannah.

Not only beautiful and real and open and smart and funny, but we had a chemistry for play and delight, like otters. And she was my first in so many ways. First expression of woman to woman love, first poly, first harder core kink. First sexual searching with a woman. First sharing of her with me with Gander. Amazing.

She opened me up to admitting my feelings for women in general, really. My ability to submit to them, more than I ever could to men. My silly goofiness around Akume. My long time crush on Matisse, who has taught me so much. My deep affection and connection with my friend Henry, transitioning proudly. And really she taught me that it wasn't about the gender, but the person. THE PERSON.

Hear that Right Wing? That's what threatens them the most. That Love Is An Outlaw.

Love is also a Battlefield, but that is another post altogether.

Now. Now I am catching up on the L Word (I mean come on! Soap Operas and Hot Women???) and feeling a whole new set of feelings and Electra is right there with me. I am overcome and overwhelmed at times, as is she I think. Poly, a newly fledging bisexual/lesbian/pansexual woman, kink.

No promises, no demands. Love like that is against the rules, but so what. I'm all about bending these days.

Monday Night Merriment

I'm happily sitting at home watching Lesbian Soap Operas (and learning all I can) while Mr. Gander is out with Cherry. A short note to tell you that there is a new blog up in the 'sphere, AKIMBO. Ms. Audacia Ray seems to be spearheading it. Go check it out!

Made of Awesome

Gander, I want to say, is made of awesome. Electra and I went to a party last night. It wasn't really a kink party, and it wasn't really a non-kink party. Whatever it was it was fun and we had a good time together exploring our mutual affection for older British actors and generally enjoying each other.

I wasn't really all that worried about going out, but I still wanted to make sure he knew I was thinking of him so I got the coffee ready for the morning before I left, and made sure he knew about the ice cream in the freezer.

I got home at not too too late an hour and in the bathroom were my pajamas all ready for me.

We had a great morning catching up and having breakfast. I think he and Cherry are going to be getting together soon, which I'm quite quite happy about.

Sometimes there are these moments when I can see the amazing possibilities of what love and affection can be. When it works.

New Words

I have a new blog. I'll be blogging there in a more poetic fashion. I wanted a space that was mine to write in a different style, less day to day and more emotion, more of my erotic musings, and meanderings inspired by so many women. I've linked it in the sidebar and you are welcome to visit.

She

I have a secret to share with you. I'm seeing someone and it is getting intense. Her name is well...I don't have a good blog name for her yet. She's amazing and strong and smart and captivating.

We met at a wedding, isn't that funny? Don't they always say that that happens? The wedding was of two dear dear friends, R and C, and it was one of the prettiest, most amazing weddings that Gander and I have been to. They both looked so beautiful and really, seeing it....how could same sex marriage be so fucking threatening, if not for the stone cold fact that all the gay and lesbian weddings I've been to have been cooler, sexier, and better designed than any straight up Xtian traditional ceremony....just saying. Maybe that's the deal.

So, She. I met her at the wedding. We had a few eye locking moments, but you know? We didn't act. Probably cause a) she's an old friend of R and C and b) well....she's never done poly. But over time and over several increasingly hijink filled parties, she and I decided we really wanted to see what in the hell might happen if we got to know each other more, slowly and all that cautious jazz.

Good things. Good things seem to be happening.